Depression

After finishing school I got into Applied Physics studies in Vilnius. At that time, I had lots of hopes that moving to another city and being among people who didn’t know me would allow me to change because they didn’t have an opinion about me yet, so I’m not limited to behaving differently than I’m used to. However, one of my coursemates who was also my roommate in the dormitory was my old classmate, so my hope that nobody would know me collapsed. Eventually, nothing changed, I remained the same shy person and didn’t find any friends in my group. I believe that this was the main reason that drew me to depression. I stopped putting effort into my studies, during nights I was playing an online game, due to which during the lectures I was almost sleeping (however, at the moment I am working for that gaming company, so eventually everything turned out quite ok). Eventually, I decided to quit my studies. But I didn’t seek any help due to my depression. Maybe at that time, I didn’t even know I had it.

The year after that I got into Psychology studies, but this time it was in my home city, Klaipeda. Nobody knew me for real this time. I immediately attempted to start friendships and get to know my coursemates. But some of them have been friends since school years, and I didn’t manage to get into their friend circle. Eventually, my enthusiasm to put effort dissolved, and I returned to my usual state when I didn’t talk to anyone. (In later years I finally managed to befriend a few of my coursemates and, as I got to know later, one of them was putting a lot of effort into befriending me, but I never noticed it.) During my studies, depression wasn’t bothering me. But… it came back during vacation. And it happened several years in a row. Then I already had an understanding that I have depression. However, I was afraid to seek help because I was worried that if I had an entry that I had psychiatric disorders, then it wouldn’t be possible to find a job as a psychologist. I visited a psychologist in the psychiatric health center several times, but she was only normalizing everything and she was more interested in how psychology studies look like these days.

Once, possibly after already finishing my bachelor’s studies, I was feeling really helpless, so I finally decided to seek help from psychiatrists. There were some issues with my health insurance (at that time I didn’t know that as a freelancer I needed to pay for health insurance every month even if I didn’t earn anything, as during my studies it was covered). But eventually, I was accepted by a psychiatrist at Klaipeda Psychiatric Health Center. I told her that I was thinking that maybe I have depression, or maybe bipolar disorder (because there were times when I was depressed, and also there were times when I was energized and positive), but she just started laughing. She told me: you are young, you don’t need any entries, otherwise it will be hard for you to find a job. The fear that due to psychiatric issues, I would struggle to find a job was my biggest stopper from going to psychiatrists before. So I listened to her and left.

That’s why I was living with untreated depression for several more years. Eventually, maybe 6 years after my depression started, my boyfriend at that time recommended a psychiatrist at Republic Klaipeda Hospital. She diagnosed me with depression and prescribed medicine for me. Medicine had to be adjusted a bit, but eventually, it really helped me. And what about not finding a job? Fun fact – at that time I was studying Master’s in Counseling Psychology and having an internship with a psychologist in the same hospital. After finishing my studies, I succeeded in finding a job as a psychologist in a social service center. When you are searching for a job, nobody is checking psychiatric entries, and they can’t even do that, with some minor exceptions. There are no such requirements for psychologists. Besides, during my internship, I had a better understanding of how my clients with depression are feeling because I have faced it myself. Those who never had had depression often say: just get yourself together, just get up from the bed, just do it. But when you have depression, there are no “just”. It is no laziness, you simply can’t do it no matter how much you want.

However, my depression story didn’t end here. After 6 months of medication with the agreement of my psychiatrist, I stopped it. Everything was fine. Summer vacation went without depression and that was unusual for me. But then I started working in that social service center, and the work there wasn’t what I expected. Management wanted not a psychologist but rather a clown to entertain clients. The coworkers were not really pleasant, there was gossip and one of my colleagues decided to complain to the manager that I wasn’t greeting her. It was absurd to me because I was working in 2 different departments and there were maybe 50 people in total, so I couldn’t possibly know who I already greeted that day.

Eventually, depression came back, but this time even harder, I almost had a panic attack at work, and after that, I excused myself from work and went right to the psychiatrist. She diagnosed me with medium-level depression and gave me sick leave. I started taking medicine again but the same medicine wasn’t helping. The psychiatrist was suggesting to wait but I was feeling hopeless, and she agreed to change the medication. The new medicine helped. After a month I quit my job and decided to learn programming. I was taking medicine for 9 months. Then again with the agreement of my psychiatrist, I stopped it. I was slightly worried because, at that exact time, I started a new job – as a programmer this time. However, everything went well and the depression never came back.

Sometimes I feel terrified to remember those days when I had depression. I really wouldn’t want to go back there. Hopelessness, tunnel vision without seeing any way out. Now I can sometimes feel sad but I know that it’s not depression. I know because I never had that tunnel vision again. There’s always a way out. Like one of my lecturers used to say: even if you’re swallowed, there are still two ways out.